creative effort

Get some perspective

2007-11-27T16:50:00.001+08:00

Has it really been that long? Since true blissful happiness lost its importance and meaning?

Is it really happening? All that remains is a superficial laugh, without the mind or soul being involved in what is happening around.

Since when did commitment become such an issue?

Where is this leading to? What really is inspiration? Don't we want our lives to be laid out for us like a road map? Yet sometimes, even when we know where the journey is going to, we are restless. We want excitement, change, fun every moment, yet when it is happening, we fail to acknowledge it.

And what is the deal with ambition? Seriously! If we aim for something, work, work, work, and get it, what IS the big deal? We are absolutely not going to stop, once we reach somewhere. So why?

I am not frustrated or anything. I am just giving a glimpse into the kind of conversations I have been having with a new found friend. And I find it extremely interesting to wonder about these things, yet carry on in real life, as though nothing is happening to me, or bothering me!

Life ROOCKSS!

Impressions

2007-07-17T14:29:00.000+08:00

Finally nearing the end of my intern (not really, about 3 weeks to go!) It sure has been one roller coaster ride. The monotony still kills me, but not as much as the travel. There were quite a few high points, which I dont want to forget, later when I look back at my first job. So let me record them before I forget.

An awesome friend in Hon Jie. My Singaporean-Chinese friend. One of those rare guys who loves talking about sun signs and understanding people based on that. We were mates in bitching about everything, discussing electronics, our ideal jobs, future plans, and yeah, helping out each other in work.. I remember, how during the first week, we would take turns and stay guard while the other person sleeps peacefully. That week was very drab, no computer, only some book on IT project lifecylce for company.

A great colleague cum guide cum friend in Mathew. He is this guy(man, rather, he is around 40)from Kerala, lived here for quite some time. He is my technical lead, and my only hope to understanding anything going on with the project. Lots of chats, lots of advise and experience sharing (from him), lots of info sharing, lots of learning.

Thomas. I shall always remember him as the guy whose email id I so struggled to find. His Christian name is Thomas Wong, but his chinese name is Wong Ka-Yew. I obviously was oblivious to this fact, and for nearly 3 weeks of my internship, kept sending mails to Thomas Wong (my luck, there did exist a Thomas Wong too), without any replies. I was highly frustrated, but I finally managed to get his id through some common message our supervisor had sent us all. Thomas is extremely delightful. He is the first person in AMD to have uttered encouraging words to me. He was like, (out of the blue!!), there is nothing you cannot do, be confident,etc. Ever smiling, and joking, and starts dancing as soon as he hears one of our colleague's ring tone. I always feel great around Thomas, coz he was the strongest technical person for our project.

Sudi, Aminata Sudiady - Indonesian. He is a lot of firsts for me. My first interviewer, (this is the only place where I have attended an interview!), my first boss, the first person to criticize my work so heavily that I bunked office the next day, the first person to applaud my work so much few weeks later (last week, rather) that I finally felt good about working here, the first person to buy me a locket for my phone (from China). I shall never ever forget the look on his face when he fished out the locket and gave it to me,on the day he rejoined office after a one week official trip in China. I was working for him from here, using remote desktop, and helped him to finish what he had gone there for. After a lot of stress, we managed to finish it, and over our Instant Messenger, my boss sent me a "medal" smiley. I dint know what to do. I wanted to jump out loud. I know it sounds very childish, but then to get an appreciation from a tough boss is always a moment all of us would cherish. The day he landed, he gives me this locket, like how my father gets me chocolates if he goes abroad or something. The best part is, earlier that day, one of my colleagues was telling me, that my boss is someone very tough to work with, and very tough to please, and about 6 people who were working under him quit last year one after the other. So you can imagine the amount of daze I would have been, that day.

Lots of other names and faces which I dont want to forget: Iwan Rahabook from SUN, Sean Pavan from SUN(sales), Sean Wong (Frontline,sales), Charlene (CVSI, the tall engineer), Yeat (AMD), Aw (AMD,network guy), OC Lim (AMD, power guy), Wei Wah (AMD, infrastructure guy), Eric (co-intern), Vijay Mavily (SUN, engineer cum jack of all trades), Hadijah (the receptionist), Vijayah (the loud cute singaporean indian lady, network team), the very beautiful bob cut lady who sits in the front row, with an awesomely nice kurta each day, and so on.

Phew, something nice to look back indeed.

Blogthings

2007-06-06T13:29:00.001+08:00

What Kind of Food Are You?

You Are French Food

Snobby yet ubiquitous. People act like they understand you more than they actually do.

What's Your Blogging Personality?
Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog. You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head. Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent. You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

Are You a Tortured Genius?
You Are 62% Tortured Genius

You are smart. Brilliant in fact. And while it's a blessing, it's also a curse. Your head is filled with everything - grand ideas, insufferable worries, and a good deal of angst.

What Time Of Day Are You?
You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

Deep Conversations

2007-06-06T10:30:00.000+08:00

Of late, especially during these holidays, group hangouts are happening like everyday. Even though I enjoy going out as a gang, there are many moments when I get restless. It has got nothing to do with the people around me. It is more the Gemini in me which gets bored. There are many moments during which I dont appreciate or involve myself in the conversations happening around me.

I would rather be a part of a conversation in which I can know more about the other person, I can discuss things and express my true opinions, I can delight myself with the number of similarities or differences between myself and the other person.

Recently, I had two very interesting conversations with two of my close friends. The first one was with Sindhu, when I met her at Chennai. To say I was reenergized totally at the end of a mere 2 hours would be an understatement. I would not say we discussed everything under the sun, neither did we finish updating each other on our respective lives. It was like an everyday conversation. It just had a brilliant setting to it. Best friend. Not met each other in a year. Hot Chips restaurant. Bhel puri and Lassi. Quiet corner. Lazy summer evening. Slow waiter, giving us plenty of time to talk.

The 2 hours reflected the kind of relationship I share with Sindhu in its entirety. Neither of us expect anything from the other. Our lives have nothing in common apart from the fact that we are living away from home. It was just unconditional love. The best parts where when we compared the present with our past and future. Refreshingly, both of us felt that the current stage of life is probably our peak, and it felt good to actually realize it and share it with someone.

At the end of it, our longing to be with each other only increased, but yet, we dint part with heavy hearts. It felt more like, we are lucky we managed to meet this year. We are happy for, and happy with each other.

The second one was with Srilakshmi, my roomie for the hols, my school friend, and one person who shares my roots to a large extent. It was on the night I returned to Singapore after a week's break at Chennai. I was not depressed, but then inching towards frustration. A lot of my close friends had come to see me after the week's gap, we had dinner together, and it was fun. But strangely, there was this lump at the bottom of my heart that I might never have friendships like those I had in school, or like the one I share with my mom. I know right now I am wrong,cause I do have brilliant people around me, but I could not avoid that feeling then. So I was just tossing around in my bed, wanting to sleep, wishing I could stop thinking about the things in life that may not happen again. Sri was in a similar state, restless and sleepless. She came and sat by my side, and slowly asked about my holiday, updated me on what she had been doing, and so on and so forth. The rest is history! Suddenly we look at the clock, and its 4 am in the morning. We talked sooo much in the darkness of the room, we poured out what we had not told or discussed with anyone in a long time. It was a typical 20-year old girl talk. I felt on top of the world at the end of it.

Such deep,interesting and confessional conversations just revitalize me, and help me move on life with expectations and enthusiasm.

Monotonic Depression

2007-05-23T15:40:00.000+08:00

Is this what I have been working for the past 20 years? Well to be absolutely frank, monotony kills me. I want to sketch each day the way i want it. There should be a few fixed things, but thats it, the rest I should be able to figure out. But work life ? I feel like I have been put in an infinite tornado. Probably the one thing that terrifies me is, being put in a closed space, with no way out. Its like, I get up at 5.45 everyday, cook food, leave room at 7, reach here late invariably, get back to my room at like 7 or 7.30 pm in the night. Forget the strain and the travel time. I have not slept many nights wondering how people actually do this for 5 days a week, for a whole year, for years together! Doesnt monotony ever creep in? Doesnt it creep in along with so much depression that people start rethinking about their job, their life, the purpose of their life, and so on? I totally wonder how my parents, my relatives and my older friends do it! Hats off!

2007-04-11T00:32:00.000+08:00

Am in a philosophical mood. I am wondering what life is about. I am struck by the movie "namesake". I have realized a lot.. Life is not about finding your dream university/ career/ true love / dream house or any emotional or material joy. Life is all about being in love with life. Hail the person who said "Happiness is along the road, not at the end of it". Its about getting back to those things that make you truly happy. Its about not losing oneself, yet not being too rigid. Its about trying to be happy in simple ways. The big things in life suddenly don't seem to make the difference. I will never forget this scene when Ashima (Tabu) dissolves Ashok's ashes in the Ganges. She did it with so much tranquility and detachment. She knew that the meaning of her life was dissolving away with Ashok. Yet she was praying for his happiness. She could move on with her life, get back to music, and got to know her children better. After all those years of being together, she had nothing of his, that she could call hers. Infact, she did not want anything. She had enjoyed life with him. Now it was over, and she had to find her next joy. How simple, yet how difficult to do it. I am wondering why I am doing all that I am doing. Am I truly happy? What IS true happiness? I dont want to be "thrilled" about something. I want to be quietly happy about it! (quoted from the movie). Phew, thats quite a task. I want to sit back, take a detached view, and feel happy about the moment. I want some time to enjoy the rain. I want some time to read books. I want some time to dream aimlessly. I want some time to write long beautiful mails to my old friends. I want time to get back to my stitching and painting. I want time for myself. I want to gaze out on the beautiful fields as I travel on the train (I mean the Indian trains). I want to listen to beautiful Hindustani music, be moved, and cry. I want to time to make my room look beautiful. I want time to get back to my love of collecting European pictures and sceneries. I want time to play with my little sister. I want time to learn cooking from grandmom. Well, actually, my list is endless. As I write this, I wonder... How the hell am I so busy that I cant do any of these? What am I doing? Am I redefining my happiness to suit my present schedule? I wont say life sucks. But life can be better, and it is in my hands. Time to be reborn :)

2007-03-10T19:12:00.000+08:00

For the past 2 years, I have known this great man. One in a million. Never ceases to inspire me and awe me. Infact inspire and awe all fellow IIE members. I have so much to talk about him! Amazing music knowledge. I guess he defines who a purist should be! He absolutely can't take it even if BP plays a small note differently from the classical version. His creativity is boundless. Man, I can't forget his piece, odi vilayadu papa for tatva. That piece in Kapi, (veena part).. it haunted us all! We were humming that singular line for weeks together after it fell on our ears. Just mind blowing. Today, if some one casually hums any bit of that amazing composition, it stirs up everyone like electricity. The energy he has.. he is sooo fast for his age that we all, (so called youth) cant keep pace with him. He stands for 5 hours at a stretch, controlling a crowd of 60 restless "kids". Not even an iota of tiredness. Doesn't need food or water. All he wants is perfection from us. Good, pure touching music, as he likes it! And when we give like 60% of his standards and expectations, he is the happiest man. He would be like, "That was a very good concentration on your part. Just cooperate, and we will do what I want. I am happy with you all, etc. ". The heights of positive thinking. Well I guess my admiration for him is multifold simply because he is a teacher. Especially, a music teacher. A music teacher - who can sing and sway in both the carnatic and hindustani directions, play violin with his eyes closed, make us forget ourselves in his melodious and soft notes on the flute,and above all, a person with a really really large heart! well for those who might have guessed, yes - am talking about thyagu sir! for those who have not, this is C.N.Thyagaraju for you! Cheers to you sir!

2006-12-09T14:51:00.000+08:00

My home country sometimes leaves me utterly confused and lost. Ever since I started studying in Singapore, and started coming here only for the holidays, my biggest challenge is - not to judge my country. I somehow have this belief that judging the country is equivalent to judging one's parents, which I think is quite a sin. Might sound harsh - but my principles in this area are strong as steel. Each time I come down for holidays, I experience something different, which leaves me puzzled. Yesterday, we went to a foam factory (not the soap foam, but the sponge ones that we use for mattress etc..) My dad knew the owner, so we just went to have a look at the process. Of course it was quite educational, the chemistry, the engineering awed me. But what struck me was the fact that inspite of all the expensive machinery, nothing would be possible, without human labour. We sometimes say, why do people beg, why cant they just find work somewhere, and earn their living?? Yesterday, I realised, some of the workers there, must have actually been such people, who are toiling to earn their daily bread.. It gave me hope, but gave me the creeps too.. dont ask why.. probably it was the danger involved in the factory.. probably am too feminine to see that there is probably nothing dangerous in the process.. still.. guess am rambling.. but few other things disturbed me.. like the horrible horrible roads, the nasty and irritating traffic, the sick and dusty air, a looooooot of things never change here.. the surprising thing is, there are dozens of MNC's on each road, with glass buildings.. but not one of them bother to change the approach, the drainage outside their office, the smell etc etc.. tis soooooo surprising.. dont people ever think how much it affects their business? After having spent so much on their buildings and offices and infrastructure, cant they spend a penny on their community?? dont they realise it is driving off so many customers from them? atleast they can do it for their own selfish gains.. no way, im talking about spending money.. for cleanliness.. fir society... sorry, forgot it doesnt happen even in dreams.. sometimes these ceo's make me sick!! people not caring about spitting, throwing rubbish.. thinking, what difference is this going to make, everyone does it.. blah blah.. all those movies, those ad campaigns, nothing will change our attitude.. but other events r also happening.. like vaas pointed out.. loads of progress.. like mahesh pointed out.. slow progress.. hot debate the other day.. but twas good coz it brought out the indian in us in every way.. we were shouting and arguing in the beach.. oblivious of everyting.. sumtimes it jus feels great to do tat.. but when my frend told me this.. "for me every little thing tht india does is celebration..." i was bowled.. i realized this is the attitude i wanted to have.. i have been searching so long.. everywhere.. trying to place how i feel abt my india.. as i come across ppl from other nations.. i realize how how superficial these ppl actually are.. how less they value things.. how lil charm life holds for them.. how painful their past has been.. mayb im wrong.. but the big money holders and the big achievers cant enjoy the lil tings in life.. i hav no such regrets.. after all... i am an indian.. maa tujhe salaam

2006-10-18T21:21:00.000+08:00

I sat down and thought of my childhood days..

playing in the terrace..

fighting with friends...

crackers on diwali...

crushes....

school teachers..

singing in the rain....

listening to radio when bathing...

sunday fusses for the dreaded oil bath...

playing cards with cousins...

marriage ceremonies tat lasted for three days..

happily loitering in grandma's garden..
.
mom's lap..

school annual days..

bagging prizes in competitions..

bossing around as the class leader....

cycling in the sun with my best friend..

staying upto three am watching friday movies..

conversations with dad when he drops me for classes..

maxmueller bhavan canteen...

the trees at school..

god...

music lessons for which i used to fuss to go..

singing for grandmom...

reading my fav book in the swing, in the bful weather, with hot snacks and tea...

life used to be beautiful..

yet i wanted to grow up..

i wonder why..

now i dont really like it....

innocence and ignorance are bliss..

being anxiety free - a boon!!

wish i were always a kid.............

2006-06-29T21:59:00.000+08:00

My Kind of Book.... I realise there are all kinds of readers around me - people who devour any kind of book, from fairy tales to political writing, from Enid Blyton to Mahatma Gandhi, - people who hate the word "Book" and would not dream of reading as much as a blog - people who read when they have time and are choosy in their authors.. I have of course titled my blog as my favourite kind of book, so let me not deviate.. I have read a good variety, and initially I used to like the ones in which there is a single narrator, which invariably means a single hero/heroine, and a closed approach to the situation. I wanted this concentrated approach, and mostly I accepted what was given to me by the author, so naive a reader was I. Now my approach has changed a little. I no longer interest myself for the hero alone, rather, I want books where every character is analysed and weighed upon. I am looking for books, wherein a different light to the same situation is thrown upon, by the contrasting characters of the book. I somehow feel that would make a book more realistic, as it would be truly relating to real life then.. Some books that affected me the most : Uncle Tom's cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe - An astonishing book about the struggles of an African slave. This was the first book that I cried for, that moved me beyond words, and that made me realise HOW lucky am I to have everything that I have!! I loved Eva in that book.. Gone with the Wind - Well mind blowing a plot.. I loved the pace.. and of course Rhett.. He was irresistable!! John Grisham's Painted House - A book about a farmer boy. Absolutely cute story! And stirring too.. Painting of a house was considered a symbol of modernisation, the way it is brought out in the story is amazing too.. That little boy, with his innocent mind, changed so many hearts.. Chetan Bhagat's Both the books - Absolutely good, and they satisfy my need of different narratives (a little less frequently though!!) Right now reading Tagore's Home and the World - Story is moving on with three persons narrating it.. I find it intriguing that these three people seem so different on the outside, but are amazingly contrasting on the inside!! No one knows the other well, but yet are always guessing what's going on.. Sigh.. reading is a fascination I swear.. and my biggest wish is that I always have enough time in my life, to pick up my favourite books, and read it when I want..

2006-06-27T19:21:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it is really necessary to express to people what you feel for them, how important you are in their lives. No one really bothers these days actually. Best friends are taken for granted, and its OK if you forget their birthdays! Well I am not being bitter against anyone, and I admit, I am bad at b'days too.. But these two mails made a mind-blowing impact on me.... This one is from Sindhu, doing psychology @ Indianiapolis.. Right now, she is like this well into which I pour out everything, and I serve as one for her too.. Distance has helped our friendship in the most beautiful way, and I thank god for this lovely human being, who is now a rare treasure of mine.. And this is what she wrote about me.. I suppose, in a way, in class, the wall had opened without me knowing it had. When I’m alone, and want to open it voluntarily, I just can’t, because I’m afraid of feeling the pain. I feel like I’m going to break. All I ever wanted was to be happy, but everything I’ve done to get that has always led to more sorrow and disappointment. Does all life only have sorrow, with just a superficial show of happiness to get us through our wretched lives? Like how Buddha said all life is sorrow, and true happiness only comes from attaining Moksha. Does even the happiest person in the world, if he cared to delve in deep enough, find himself filled with sorrow? But sometimes, very simple things take me back to what I would like to call my ‘illusion of happiness’. Listening to a really good song fills my heart and I just burst into a smile. I can’t explain the feeling I have when I listen to a good song that touches my heart. Its like my chest is about to burst with this warmth that the song fills it with. Talking to an old friend, leaves me with the same feeling. I have to tell you about my friend. Her name is Anu. I met her in eleventh grade, but although we were good friends, we never became ‘best’ friends because my ‘best’ friend spot was already taken. When I look back at my immaturity now I can’t help wondering whether I should laugh at its silliness or cry at what a rare opportunity I had missed. Anyway, Anu is the kindest, most genuine and innocent person I’ve met, and I think I ever will meet. She’s indescribable. She is the only person, apart from my mother and grandmother, who I’ve seen is truly happy for you, if something good happens to you. Most people say they are happy for you just out of pure protocol. But she genuinely feels it, and its extraordinary. She is so open and kind and connects with me so well. She doesn’t have one shred of pretense. When you talk to her, you know that you are really talking to her and not some persona that is displayed to the world. You somehow know that what you say goes right into those big eager eyes and into her innocent heart. She listens with her heart. You may think I’m idolizing her, but I’m just saying it the way it is. You can’t help but realize that she is a rare person, for whom the world hasn’t had any negative effect. As far as I know she’s never really had any major negative experiences. I’m not saying her life was rosy, but it’s the closest I know of normalcy. If you get to know her well enough, you can’t but feel protective of her, to shield her from anything bad from happening. It’s like finding a fragile creature on a rocky beach that might crumble under the slightest pressure, and its so beautiful and rare that you’d give your life to protect it. So anyway, I hardly realized what a great person I had met, and what was surprising was that she liked me too. I suppose in the beginning she found me funny, and later she told me she liked me because I was really accepting of her. Why wouldn’t I? She is so awesome. I’ve never felt more comfortable with anyone, not even my mother or sister, than I felt with her. She is also one of the few people I feel genuinely happy for. I think its my protective instinct over her, like a mother, I can’t help but feel happy when good things happen to her. That is how much a good friend she is, and you can never grasp how happy she makes me feel. The reason I said all this is to show that some things in life really do make me happy. Sometimes I refuse to believe that its just superficial, and on other times I feel like I have to much sorrow in me to feel anything. Sometimes I feel afraid that I’ll become a hard-hearted cynic, about love and life in general, but the thought of Anu always gives me hope, that there are some good things in this world The second is from my mom. She wrote this after visiting me at my University. It was the first time she had been abroad. And mind you, the week she arrived, I was severely stressed with my studies, and to this day, I feel I hardly spent quality time with her. Yet, the wonderful mother that she is, she mailed me the day she reached India.. My precious daughter, I am back home with full of the memories and joys which you have given me at such a young age. I am very proud to say that I am Anuja’s mother. You have shown me how to be your own self, rather than be watched and judged by others and make your moves as per their wish. These are the first 9 days of my life that I have been Radha through and through and through and did what I considered right. That is a great feeling. On my flight back home which was more pleasant than the one which took me to Singapore, I was listening to the songs on Ipod, and was on cloud 9 or above that. Somehow this is the best moment of my life. I have never been happier before. I have a sense of fulfillment and contentment and enrichment. It will take me many days to come out of this euphoria. As a daughter that too Indian born, you have given the best, to me the best of memories, which I shall cherish and relish within me forever. I do not even want to share it with others lest I loose the taste. I can only thank God more and more again and again for having bestowed me with a daughter like you, who has given a single enchantment, which will last not only this life, but for many more lives. You have to become a mother to understand this. MY VERY BEST BLESSINGS AND WISHES WHICH COMES FROM A MOTHER’S FLAWLESS HEART THAT YOU CONTINUE TO BE THE SAME UNASSUMING PERSON THAT YOU ARE, ACHIEVER ALL THE WAY AND MAKING EVERYONE HAPPY AROUND YOU AND ALSO RECEIVE HAPPINESS THROUGH AND THROUGH GOOD LUCK AND MAY GOD BLESS AND GRANT YOU ALL YOUR WISHES. MUMMY.

2006-05-28T11:07:00.000+08:00

A Super Natural Counseling A trip down to Salem for the weekend turned out to be a wonderful emotional experience and left me with a feeling of meeting a long lost friend. What am I talking about? This quite and ordinary looking lady, in her humble home in one of the most narrowest and unnavigable roads I have ever traversed, living with her husband and kid, in a traditional Brahmin family system, might miss the lay man’s eye very easily, had he not heard about the extraordinary seventh sense that she possesses. This is not astrology, it is not black magic, it is not some “samiyar” possessing magical powers or someone trying to play around for money or commercial purposes. For the first time, I experienced God in totality, in the form of a Mother, talking to me in person, counseling me to be brave and withstand the pressures of life, urging me to strive to win, just like any concerned elder would do. So what created the difference? The fact that we need not explain our background, our past, our problems, our anxieties in full. The fact that she so much personified a Mother who understands everything if we start speaking out to her. The fact that she never tires listening to us and reassuring us, inspite of our repeated queries and doubts in ourselves. In this frenzied and maddening world, we are all afraid to speak out to our best friend, our mom, our beloved, our business partner, our lawyer, our doctor. The word “third person” has ceased to exist. I mean, there is No one who can listen to all of us dispassionately, without judging us, or getting anxious about us, or jealous of us, without void of any Human emotion. No one is to be blamed for this, as we are after all human beings, and it is our tendency to atleast react inwardly for every thing that we witness or are a part of. Thus we never have true listeners, who listen to us, as a result, we have all stopped speaking out our fears and doubts. Makes life all the more stressful!! When we first met this lady, I dint know what I was to experience, and talked inadvertently to her, without any inkling of Whom I was talking to! My mom went to her with some existing problem of ours, and the reply that She gave made my mom burst into tears. Her reply convinced us, here is The One, at last, the Omnipresent One, the One who is working above us all, and ensuring that justice, fairness, happiness, wealth, sorrow, disease, death, etc. is meted out to the entire human race! Phew – what a responsibility! And the discovery that the One is now going to be talkable to, through this “ordinary looking lady” was too stunning a one for us to digest. How man should handle such an “accessible God” is a big debate. Whether one should talk to God when in trouble only, and use Him as a counselor, or whether one should consult Him (pardon me for using a Him, I am only using a convenient pronoun) before taking every decision, irrespective of whether it is crucial or not (after all how do we know which decision is crucial unless we know its impact, which we can understand only in the future!) , whether one should become dependent on Him, whether dependence is advisable, and a lot more questions arose within me. I answered myself thus: For the believers – Yes, this is God, Go believe Him fully, and wait for your queries to be fulfilled, For the moderates – This is a psychologist, a counselor, a third person who can understand you and can provide you simple solutions that can make you happier for the time being, and if lucky, a long term solution too. For the non-believers – Well, I have no experience of non-believing, and I am not going to prove them wrong in any way. After all, we all like different colors, different books, different places and so on, and we don’t try to change one another’s tastes. In a similar vein, I won’t say that non-believers are missing something, as they are happy in their own world, and they believe in themselves. Strangely, even Chetan Bhagat, in his novel “One night @ the call centre”, has brought in a call from God, when situations get unmanageable, when everyone is in the lowest of their moods, and someone counsels them out of it, just by lending a patient ear, and asking them to speak out. I am not able to explain the call, but yes, I have understood God better. He wants us to do what we want the most, and not go against our conscience, resulting in loss of peace. Looks like being happy is entirely in our hands!! Anyways, I guess that was a very spiritual blog, and if you appreciate it, please leave your comments.

2005-11-30T10:53:00.000+08:00

living alone...
hmm.. this blog is mainly about how i rediscovered myself in my first semester at nus.. the most happening 4 months of my life! shall never forget them i bet!

the day i landed at nus was nightmarish in fact! i was totally unoriented and lost, dint know how to contact people, even my parents.. giving them a tremendous worry about whether i had reached safely or not... dint know where to get food , and dint know what to eat at the food court; dint know how to spend... dint know how to go to any place within nus or within my residence ... dint know how to choose my company among the numerous indians who are here... dint know whether to befriend foreigners or not ... dint know whether travelling alone is safe or not ... dint know how to manage my time ... dint know where to access the net ... dint know whether i could rely on my seniors (as they were ragging us during that time!) ... dint know the point in ragging ... and dint know whether i had done the right thing in coming to nus in the first place!

In fact the scenario continued for nearly the entire first week! i started feeling terribly homesick and miserable.. stressed is the word! i had absolutely no clue what was in store for me in my first semester.. but was sure of one thing.. 'if things dont get better, i am going back home!' was the uppermost of my thoughts!

Well.. thanking my lucky stars, things DID get better! infact - too good to be true! i sorted out all my issues one by one.. after getting a mobile, contacting people was hardly a problem.. so started talking to parents twice a day.. and i started getting used to the huge campus with its twisted roads and upslopes and downslopes and bus routes.. so after many a mistakes i knew the bus routes well enuf to venture out on the campus alone.. i know it sounds silly now for anyone, but trust me, there used to b a period when i could never reach the place i wanted to! always getting lost or missing the place!

Food ... well i got loads of supplies from home to manage the initial lack of good food.. lots of things i could cook upon and eat.. thats when started the idea of cooking together.. where we all shared the different varieties we had.. and thats how the bonding basically started too! we slowly started to understand people better, and also started deciding on our company .. it was a beautiful process in fact, coz we dint want to rule out any good friend, but at the same time not have too many to handle! confusing, but very much required for us to have a happy semester!

Tackling ragging sessions was not really a tough thing.. in fact, i personally was not scared a wee bit, probably because i was worried about larger issues in life, so ragging seemed too trivial to me at that time.. so i jus went without much interest.. jus that i got to know quite a lot of my seniors.. but still being very careful and not really befriending all of them! it was a great orientation... coz after pulling our legs to the core, the seniors made it a point to introduce themselves and advised us on various issues! an enriching experience! those who missed the ragging are now really disoriented... and i can feel the difference! in fact, i seriously dont know where i would have been if not for these seniors, who told us what modules to take, how to plan out our time, how to bid (tats how we get our modules at nus.. we are not alloted, we hav to bid for them!), where to buy books, where our lecture theatres are, the amount of time to be spent for each module, etc.. and loads more.. almost like our caretakers! we all felt protected and secure! and it got better down the lane!

hmm.. about studies.. well it was totally a new system to us. we dint have class rooms anymore. only lecture theatres as huge as auditoriums, where the prof taught using powerpoint and projector or transparancies.. without too much interaction! but then the tutorials are a nice place to learn, where we are divided into smaller groups and made to solve problems. so i started concentrating there more... and made many friends there, esp chinese, viatnamese and localites... it gave me a new insight on how to modify my approach towards learning, and i bettered the way i studied! i gave up learning things by heart, instead i learnt how to use the textbook as just a reference material, wherein we r given some information and we have to just manipulate on that..instead of actually memorising them... i realised thats how it will b in real life too.. in my career, especially, and i started to perfect the art! friends, needless to say, formed the most important factor for my happiness here.. i hav dedicated my previous blog to them all! check it out!

Managing money again was a problem! i had no clue what kind of person i wanted to be, thrifty or not.. coz neither came naturally to me, as in i was not very sure what my budget should be... i observed my friends, especially seniors... i found most of them living lavishly, yet not spending too much at the same time! even now i dont know how some of them do it.. but im trying to buy essential things first and sacrifice on my whims and fancies.. i have to improve quite a lot in this area...

reflecting upon how nus life has influenced me.. or changed me.. it has taught me mainly the importance of individuality. i realised the need to be different in what i was doing, but without much effort. ... in other words, i had to become a natural thinker, a different type of thinker. i had to be myself, yet make the best of it.. i realised the importance of expressing my thoughts, feelings, ideas and dreams.. i realised how its upto me to make things happen to me.. and i cant wait for someone to push me to do something.. i had to carve a niche for myself, and look good from within it.. i had to set myself guidelines, and live upto it... it was an exciting game, this self building! i understood myself better every single moment... and am happy for what i am.. most importantly, i dint lose my individuality.. though i accept that i have changed my personality for this new scenario... i bet everyone undergoes this transformation at some stage in life.. and its better not to be scared that we are changing, but realise the fact, and help urself better by doing so.. im sure this semester, to be followed by many more such memorable years, is taking me towards being a better human being, a more thoughtful person, a gentler, a more understanding, a more understandable, a more intelligent and wordlywise gal, and a person who knows her priorities. i sincerely thank God for being with me through this unforgettable four months and for reassuring me that He is there for me, come what may, giving me a new strength every second.. and pushed me to carry on with my life in full spirit! signing off samarpitha...

2005-11-11T13:14:00.000+08:00

friend in need is a friend indeed!!

well this is entirely dedicated to all the people in nus so far, who made difference in my first semester.. the order in which i list them does not indicate any priority.. all of u r my best pals, and i love u for what all u did for me..

faffu.. one of my earliest friends.. knew her a lil before coming here. and made it a point to know her as she was the only cbse gal in my faculty. and now, apart from being roomies, fafu and i literally spend life together, planning and doing every little thing together.. she has changed me a lot, for the better of course.. improved my dress sense most importantly of them all... made me feel wanted, instilled enthusiasm in cooking, and taught me how to enjoy life in the true sense.. seriously I bet i would have continued to be the nerd I was in my school had it not been for her.. and I associate her a lot with my sister, and give her more rights on me than most of the people here... and fuss over her, and love to take care of her.. god! all those days of talking, gossiping, school stories, yahoo msging each other in lectures and from tutorials, cracking labs together, and preparing for exams, waking up each other.. and being a support for the other whenever needed.. in essential, being there for one another! u made a huge difference di!!!

sri papa.. I never thought in the wildest of my dreams that i would b doing my college with her, when we were in the same school back home. Nor did i foresee that our friendship would blossom so beautifully, and that we would understand each other so well... inspite of being in different faculties and different hostels. I think it all started from the fact that we prepared our journey to singapore together.. rber that journey? how dramatic everyone around us was acting?? including us.. he he.. and once in nus, i guess we both had only each other initially, and were completely dependent.. well that was an awesome foundation i should say.. now i know that from all silly thoughts to risky issues can be forwarded to her, with a guarantee that she will listen to me, and make me feel better if required.. and I feel equally responsible for her, as she feels about me.. dont know where i would have been without you..

mages... one of those beings on earth who can c through me.. who can read my thoughts without my having to express it, and who acts accordingly.. very playful, yet mature and sensible.. he helped me out of all hassles and hardships that i faced here and made life at nus lively and happy.. being in the same faculty has benefited our friendship a hell a lot. this semester was filled with smses, long yahoo and msn chatting sessions, lots of hanging out together with friends, lots of tension, lab deadlines, exams, fights, disagreements, making up ... and he was an important element in all of these .. he knows now every single thing about me, and so do I (about him).. and mind you, that is something very difficult to achieve in a relationship.. he made life more bearable and most importantly, helped me get over my homesickness! thanks a lot man.. looking forward to many more such semesters...

diana... roly poly teddy bear that he is.. he has the knack of making any tom, dick and harry smile at his witty and meaningful jibes at the world in general.. very very diplomatic, he is like the treasurer of out batch.. we all know all our secrets are safe with him, and will never reach the wrong person.. and every gal simply adores him for what he is, the patient, deep, childish, understanding to the core and most importantly tactful guy.. i know i have said that already, but he is just too diplomatic and a class apart.. love u gyan!! be what u r for the rest of your life, and I bet your biggest wealth will be the people that you have! and please, do wake up a little early in the mornings.. i know you love to "kupra"... but there are other things in life besides that, for example, your physics book.. he he.. and yeah! how can I forget.. he was the first one to name me "mummy" here, and gave me the mother image.. thanks da.. for that, me very happy about it!

puttas.. one gal here who is my replica.. lots of similarities between us.. girlishness, dreamy, nerdy, goody-goody (he he.. im complimenting myself in the process!! can't help it) and mummy image like mine.. she is one girl whom i trust very effortlessly, and our friendship happened at a rapid pace. check out her blog at puttas.blogspot.com (hey u better pay me later for this publicity!).. its great to share secrets with her, and wonderful to go shopping with her. can't ever forget the day we went to ikea, and dreamt of a beautiful house/ condo, with all furniture from ikea.. we will surely fulfill that dream. .rite puttas??

isky... my dear brother!! can't forget the fact that u always like to compare me with ur elder sis.. one of the few geminis i know.. that fact is helpful for us to know how the other feels, in any situation.. we love pulling each others' legs, and also know that a temporary discontinuity in friendship for a few days does not reduce the warmth and happiness with which we greet each other at the sci canteen for lunch.. and remember that lunch at mac donalds we had?? awesome fun na? keep trusting me with all your problems and worries.. coz i shall be doing that definitely!!

arun.. (alias remo.. ahem ahem!) .. i remember how he used to call me back home, as all his friends had left already, he was seeking my help to fill forms and other formalities, and thats how our friendship started.. a great chum that i have.. hey i love the way he dances to all kinds of beats... and at the same time enjoys mohd. rafi and kishore kumar songs.. some nice mixture! looking forward to ur special ragging sessions next yr( he he.. bet u r planning one!)

shankar.. well, one of the most versatile persons i have ever met.. extremely childish and has to be taken care of.. but he is full of surprises.. he is serious and a playboy at the same time.. can't help admiring him for the way he plays bball, listens to all kinds of music... and actually could sing entharo ( a carnatic song!).. i remember those pre-sem days when u used to come back after bball and call me and groan "ANUJA! FOOD!!" .. he he.. well i had a great sem with you man! and oh ya! how can i forget.. ur famous burp, and your one km long smile.. well i donno how to classify that really!

ishnega.. man, u r the most hilarious gal i have ever met! fulllll of life, she takes every thing lightly, and thats something i can never do... i simply enjoy school stories with her, and so does she.. and as we have many common friends back home, its really enjoyable! great pal u make di.. and continue being the awesome sport that u r! and ofc, keep falling in and out of small crushes, that makes u soo interesting a person to talk to.. he he..

vnot... the dude of the batch.. he is highly talented and serious about life. astounding level of maturity and gentlemanliness.. one of those few people who doesnt show any attitude and is warm to everyone around and tries to please everyone around.. of course, he knows his priorities and balances fun and studies quite well.. admire him for everyting that he is..

sidchou.. met him at ecp... and if he remembers .. he was on my list of top 5 guys of the batch! was quite embarassing to talk to him again after that for sometime.. but then, he turned out to be this extremely talkable-to guy, which i discovered during those freshies night practice sessions.. full of quiet dignity and possessing a distorted sense of humour, he is necessary to bring any meet or hangout, to life.. amazing voice he has, and he really feels what he sings!! way to go man!

hmm.. loads of people to write about.. anusha, sridhar, ganesh, pulak, sharad, vinupriya, seniors who taught us everyting.. like bp, vigoo, anusri, archana, daya, manasa, well the list is endless.. but yeah.. thanx a lot all of u for helping me live thru this first semester of my university life, making it a most memorable one of course!! lets all rock the place next sem also!! cheers! signing off samarpitha..

2005-10-19T17:57:00.000+08:00

Thinking of old days..... well now this does not mean i'm one good old granny who is talking abt "those good days" (with a sigh)... but ya, i AM feeling nostalgic, and am gonna plunge into it.. weekends back home!!! gosh! they are the best reminder of the fact that how pampered a child i was!! used to wake up aaaaaaas late as possible on saturday mornings (after effect of friday late night movie!) and yelling at my poor mom who was trying to wake me up , all because she was cleaning up and wanted to change the bed cover!! And me! Just then my love for my mom would shoot up and I would say "Ma, why do work even on weekends?? Take a break na.. Come and sleep beside me.. I will press your legs.. stop cleaning up things, especially my room!" .. Of course that would postpone my awakening by half an hour, for, my mom, obviously touched, would say, " ok! I won't disturb you.. sleep for some more time!".... so after having a huge brawl with my sister about who gets up first, or rather last (kid though she is, doesnt make a difference right?), i creep out lazily from the bed and wonder how to waste the day... My inability to come to any conclusion is followed by the action of calling my best friend, (charu) only to find her in the same state as me... so we decide accordingly wat to study and when to watch tv and when to call each other next (for a break!!) ... of course the first two-three hours of the plan works out well, especially the breaks will b duly taken... after that cannot la! i would call her up again, only to find that she is having lunch (evening tiffin rather) and plans to go to her dance classes after that... immediately i get reminded of my own music classes which r dusting, and i could hear my mom's advice from the kitchen , "gujju, why don't you practice music sometime? otherwise throat will go bad.. and blah blah blah.. " and I would buy the suggestion willingly, mainly because charu was devoting time for her dance.. So in full form, would i prepare myself, with about three to four notebooks by my side, and shruthi box, set it, sit before the Gods in our house, and decide my course of singing for the next hour... To my surprise, i would finish singing everything in twenty minutes (well i know very well the reason, coz i wont repeat every line twice, something my teacher always insists, and which i never bother to do..) . Obviously bored, i give up, justifying with my mom that my throat is still in shape, so no urgency in preventing it from going bad... She would suggest some songs, and I would sing to please her .. the most surprising thing is, when I want to sing for my mom, i do it really well, with full emotions and bhava and everything. If I want to sing something that I like, I flop invariably... never mind, life is like that! Comes the evening and my sister pesters my mom to take her out someplace.. and I will invariably be dragged into going along with them, something which I hate, as I would want to do uninterrupted Interneting for some time.. no use trying to make my mom see the point, so I just tag along, listlessly.. my only hope being that we will get back home in another half an hour or so.. The rest of the evening is spent in peace. Dad returns, so mom occupied; sis goes to play; and me full freedom to close the door and listen to music and chat with people and surf.. then will do a little of the book that I am currently reading, then radio mirchi in bliss.. and doze off.. I really really miss those pointless Saturdays, which made life so meaningful on Sundays... as you realise your weekend is almost gone, so u want to make the most of what is left of it.. Still, here at NUS, almost everyday can be converted into a Saturday or Sunday... so there is no charm that the Saturday holds, except for the fact that we may hang out together somewhere outside for dinner.. Ok, thats enough of hyping up a Saturday, as it may feel too proud of the fact that its getting so much focus, and I dont want to do that to anyone or anything.. So au revoir for the timebeing.. samarpitha...

2005-10-10T09:57:00.000+08:00

The eat out... Getting a scholarship is a thrilling thing to happen. It feels like hitting a jackpot, as though the skies suddenly opened and showered you with pots of money, and you don't know what to do with them! Of course, a teenager, with lots of friends, hardly needs to be taught how to spend money, it is an inbuilt trait! So pat came the request from all my friends ,"TREAT"! Deciding the place proved to be a tough task, coz I wanted my friends to have great food, at the same time not overspend, which is how all of us would feel. So following the advice of the guy with the mole on his left eye, I decided on the place called Ganges at City Hall, and the number of times we changed our plans and timings, anyone would have gone crazy!! Still, it worked! We met at the mrt station and chatted our hearts out, pulling each others' leg, and doing all sorts of cranky stuff. Papa even sang and danced BOLE CHUDIYA in a corner!!! Twas real cute! And the bangalore gal! She looked awesome with her jacket and hair let out! A pretty sight. Of course, most of the guys were in formals and looked real smart! he he.. nice to see them acting like big men and trying to sort out things like money and safety. Of course, they overdo it sometimes, but then, they are learning.. so we gals pardon them. So we reached city hall, and most importantly, i withdrew money from the atm for the treat! once there, we were faced with a small difficulty. we were eleven in number, but the place wasn't big enough to house all eleven of us on the same table. so we had to split into two groups... it was a little awkward as to who goes to the other table, but finally all of kept shuttling here and there while eating, as it was buffet , and so din't actualy sit at a particular place.. as a good host, i kept taking turns to eat at both the tables, and entertained everyone with my broken english. Dunno why i do it, but it makes me feel humourous and witty (which i am not , if i speak normally) and the disease is spreading to everyone here.... Of course, at the smaller table, we discovered we get a drink along with the buffet, so we dint tell the other group about it and tried to get their share of drinks too.. we called the bearer there and asked. the guy very conveniently misunderstood and apologised for the lack of tables for us all to sit together!! we roared with laughter and in the process attracted the attention of the other group, and they caught us having drinks... well well, still we got to taste a variety of drinks, a sip from each person's glass! Then photo session, and the guy with the mole wanting to flaunt his digicam, and everyone with camera phones doing the same thing.. diana's poses were the best.. havnt met a person less conscious before the camera than him!! as usual, i got caught at a wrong moment, but then it was nt so bad as my previous wrong moments!! well finally the payment. i swear, i can't have more understanding friends than this set.. they realised i was paying too much, and so the other scholar and diana offered to share the treat.. which was actually a relief for me! on the way back, we gals got engrossed in a couple of shops... footwear and accessories.. and like typical ladies, we browsed the entire shop, tried on soo many things, wasted so much time of the guys, irritated them, but finally bought nothing! the guys were no lesser, they embarassed the hell out of us by wearing the sunglasses with the price tags and by insisting that we photograph them in that.. well well, guys! can really go overboard sometimes... so finally we took a bus back home, and twas too good a journey.. the papa from my school and i were immersed in our private conversation for some time, sharing secrets and catching up with each other.. then we got interrupted due to some reason tat i forgot.. anyways, there was a chinki couple in the last seat who were.. ahem ahem.. u get it? and these ppl were shamelessly commenting about it... the best part was the bus had a few tamilians who understood all the crap we were talking .. and they also joined the fun now and then.. the cool tude's efforts at relocating the drunk guy was narrated and renarrated till we got bored of it.. but we did enjoy it the first time! so finally.. we reached back home, with the dreaded feeling that the next day was monday, and we hadn't quite finished our work for the weekend... so mentally preparing ourselves for a long night, but pretty sure at the same time it wasn't going to work out, and all that we were going to do after getting back is hit the pillow. Which was what happened in my case! ok then.. that completes the narration. samarpitha....

2005-10-08T00:19:00.000+08:00

Being in soc, friday is the worst day of my week. and i dread it the entire week! my thursdays are usually long because usually that is the deadline for my lab submission. so i have a long night on thursday, shuttling between lab submission, reading previous lectures of discrete structures in order to understand what the tutorial questions are screaming at me, and also try to actually sit and complete them, which invariably never happens, as i fall asleep on my notebook in the process!! guess that was a looong one, but it is just the beginning of my traumatic friday! I do look forward to one thing on friday. that's my head bath, which i make it a point to be very elaborate and slow and enjoyable. after that i recite all the prayers and slokas that i know , listen to ms subalakshmi's hanuman chalisa, and try to sing with her, but spoil it a bit in the process, still enjoy it for its meaning and depth of devotion, and dress traditionally, as in, wear churidhar.. So much to feel good and gear up for the day!! And meanwhile "papa" would also have got ready, and we slowly and reluctantly go to the bus stop, hoping against hope that we should not have missed the 8.45 bus (the time would be 8.50!) and wait till the next one comes, getting invariably late for our tutorial, but not too late.. well i dont want to go into the details of my classes, but, to cut a long story short, they are a pain, because tutorials are one place where you desperately try to interact, in order to get internal assessment marks, and so it requires a lot of attention and thinking! Then lunch at 12!! which i look forward to everyday!! thats the time when we meet everyone, exchange news, pull each others' leg, gossip and grumble about life in general, gain important information, and so on and so forth. But then.. our happiness is short lived.. i crawl sleepily to my java lecture, but then my mind cheers up due to the fact that the lecture is only for one hour. and also the fact that i have the option of bunking maths , as we already know things that are taught, and also because maths lecture is more like a club for us, since all of us will be juggling with our laptops, and i try to exercise my brain by playing cows and bulls with the guy who lived in hongkong some years back. Slowly, the day has the genorosity to come to an end... and then begins our exciting plans for the evening, eat outs and plans for weekend as well.. And i lived happily for ever after.. ahem .. not exactly.. till monday morning.. well probably can be extended till friday next! signing off... samarpitha.